"I'm bored. Take off your clothes."

I was going to blog on this week’s True Blood, a tour-de-force ticking pretty much all the Fit Crit boxes: Gays! Gay naughties! Eric being gay and naughty! etc, but Jezebel totally beat me to it, and they have video clips and lolcat-esque photos.

Some good comments, too: ‘Tommy is Scrappy Do’ (SO TRUE) and ‘Depressed Beehl is the new Sad Keanu’, which was the inspiration for this piece of photoshopped silliness. Go see.

FitCrit's Keep Fit

Following Charlie Brooker's discovery of this fulsomely erotic Angela Lansbury Keep Fit video, I thought I would investigate other unlikely and hilarious celebrity lifestyle vids.

Alyssa Milano, 'Teen Steam'

Fap-fodder for 80s' teens, this bizarre work out begins with Milano cupping her peesh and shouting angrily at the camera. The interest tends to wane after that.

Zsa Zsa Gabor's 'It's Simple, Darling'

Firstly, how many traffic cops do I have to slap to get the pack of Zsa Zsa playing cards which falls at the beginning? And secondly, how many Eurotrash aristos and Hollywood producers do I have to blow to get one of those black onesies?

More importantly, Zsa says some obscenely quotable things:

'Don't break my neck, darling!' (twice)

'I love it! Do it! Do it!' (More nervous laughter from Francois.)

'Massage me a little more, boy.'

Keep on whorin', ZeeZee!


SIDEBAR

Zsa Zsa instantly senses hostility, and decides to deal with this bitch, by telling her that she is beautiful. The lady can't help but smile. CLASS ACT.
END OF SIDEBAR

'Let's Dance With Richard Wilson' (no video available which is a HATE CRIME)

'I do not believe it.'

TRiPOD Update

Something about the Scissor Sisters' Invisible Light has been bothering me for a while. In particular, the Ian McKellan monologue which I discussed last week. I just couldn't put my finger on where I'd heard it before...

TRiPOD

In this week's edition of TRiPOD, we set ourselves the challenge to find three songs which contain soliloquies by Shakespearean actors. Not as difficult as you might think.

Prints of Darkness

We recently saw one of printmaker Martin Ridgwell's pieces at the Royal Acadmey Summer Exibition.This is what Twilight would look like if Ridgwell was given a budget and immunity from prosecution. Needless to say, Bella would not feature. Or at least, she would be played by Eddie Redmayne.

Imagine a collaboration between Ridgwell, Marko Mitanovski and Jonas Akerlund, in the Haus of Gaga. I think it would take inspiration from this. Possibly for the song 'Monster'...?

Conscience Off, Dick On?

Scenes of jubilation and delight at Fit Crit HQ this month as True Blood finally returns to our megavideos with its third series. Having packed Vampire Bill off to become mired in local politics, this one looks set to finally bring Eric to the fore. Behold Alexander Skarsgard, or The Point At Which The Human Race Reached Its Aesthetic Zenith.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: phwoar.

Glad to see the beyond fabulous, yahtzee-obsessed, taxman-hounded Queen making a return too, and more screentime for the gloriously catty lesbian vamp Pam too. Heck, I love pretty much every character in this, which is rare for a show with such a large ensemble, but the great writing gives us such gems as 'hell hath no fury as a vampire queen in debt' extends all the way down to the most minor of characters.

New style hero, obvs

That said, four episodes in to this new series and I do worry the show may be taking a turn for the torture porn, which seems a bit beneath it. Any idiot with a Hostel writing credit can pen ‘girl in underwear gets tied up/bitten/poked with something hot’- did we really need four instances of this in one episode? Bring back the biting social commentary! Last series they were pillorying the Religious Right, this time it seems to be “look- boobs!” A tad disappointing. But then they made Eric frickin' FLY, so conscience off, dick on, no?

Sparkle Vamp take note- this is the red-blooded woman / right-thinking man's slightly creepy nighttime visitation method of choice

Alexander Skarsgard Klaxon

1. Sheer

Terrifying Picture of Ian McKellan of the Day

Autistic Austen

I recently came across a book called So Odd a Mixture: Along the Autistic Spectrum in 'Pride and Prejudice' by Phyllis Ferguson Bottomer. (I know.)

I am usually quite suspicious of psychological pathologies, not only because of Foucault's Civilisation and Madness - which charts the category of madness in a similar way to queer theory's critique of the pathology of the homosexual in the nineteenth-century - but also because of Louis Theroux's documentary on America's Medicated Kids, where the first reaction on the part of parents and doctors was diagnosis and medication.

It Felt Like A Kiss

"This is what we do nowadays."

This will be axiom number one in the Fit Crit Manifesto! (Coming soon!)

Don't Call My Name, Aubrey Beardsley

It has been averred in some quarters that Gaga's new video is not up to the standard of her previous outings.

Beg to differ.

The Art World Is A Mad World

Tim from The Apprentice - or Farmer Robert Martin, as I like to think of him - is becoming an increasing delight. Forced to sell to the "mad" art world, he revealed himself to be a bit of a Brian Sewell. On an artist who had herself photographed in other people's homes as though she lived there, Tim said "She's not an artist, she's a criminal!" I hugged myself with joy.

Other top moments included:

Slightly Tragic Update!

I just found out my new favourite author - Big Bob Tralins - recently died. About two weeks ago in fact. I'm reposting his obituary here, because it's a nice and funny tribute to an interesting guy. I'm also going to intersperse these factlets with some classic covers because they are OUT THERE.

Ultimate Postal Joy

Something arrived in the post today. I don't want to panic anyone, but...

EXCELLENCE KLAXON

Could Any Force on Earth Stop Their Supernatural Fury?

I love The Junior Apprentice. Interestingly, this particular iteration of the business-themed reality-gameshow seems to almost parody the original, making the adults' childish petulance and hard-nosed cliché all the more ridiculous when it comes from the mouth of a sixteen year-old.

Leave Us Your Calling Card

ART CRIT

FANTASIES, FOLLIES AND DISASTERS:

The Prints of Francisco de Goya (27 February – 25 July 2010, Free)

VISUAL DIALOGUES: DISASTERS OF WAR

Jake and Dinos Chapman (6 October – 25 July 2010, Free)

In a 2003 work entitled Insult to Injury, Jake and Dinos Chapman set about ‘rectifying’ a complete set of Goya prints, applying the faces of Tony Blair and George Bush to the heads of Goya’s grotesques. While clearly raising questions about our reverent attitude towards artworks and the extravagant prices paid for them, critical opinion remained divided. Did the work represent an engagement with Goya, expanding on themes already present in his work? Or did it simply trivialise the radical spirit of the originals? A new exhibition at the Manchester Art Gallery brings these questions into focus, placing for the first time a piece from the Chapman exhibit alongside the works which inspired it. The Chapman’s ‘Disasters of War’ in displayed in the centre of the space, with Goya’s prints of the same name hung on the surrounding walls. By staging a ‘visual dialogue’ the gallery’s ‘Creative Consultants’ – a group of 15 to 18 year olds working with artist Katy McCall – aim to explore the complexities of the Chapman homage, while at the same time returning our attention to the disturbing and striking originality of Goya's genius.

Insult to Injury

Victorian Calling Card

Manifold Faces of Kurt Hummel partner-in-crime Jessica H and I have been musing on whether some Kurt themed mini-calling cards from Moo would be a good idea (we concluded in the affirmative).

But as our many hundreds of readers are no doubt aware, here at Fit Crit a good idea becomes categorically imperative. We therefore suggest - nay, demand - the return and rise of the Victorian calling card.

They are super fun and super practical, because in what other context can you leave people a card with a picture of your face and phone number on them? Think of the dating potential. For me, the calling card categorically proves that the Victorians were more prudent than prudish. Take this one for example.

More Innuit Folktales

So I guess the previously posted Innuit story about incestuous-lesbianism is actually the rule rather than the exception. I give you:

'Tuglik and Her Grandmother'

 (Courtesy of magpiemagpie.tumblr.com)

Once there was a big narwhal hunt to which everyone went but an old woman named Tuglik and her granddaughter Qujapik. The two of them were getting rather hungry, but they hadn't any idea of how to hunt for their food. Yet old Tuglik knew a few magical words, which she uttered during a trance. All of a sudden she changed into a man. She had a seal-bone for a penis and chunk of matak for testicles. Her vagina became a sledge.

Eskimo Roleplay

'The Woman Who Married Her Son's Wife', an Innuit tale from Angela Carter's Book of Fairy Tales. It contains many of my favourite things: casual lesbianism, miscellaneous seals and fake penises.

Panda! Go Panda!

Even more wonderful Miyazaki madness now, with Panda! Go Panda! which apparently was at the forefront of the 80s panda craze. Whatever that might be. It has the catchiest and most excellent theme tune.

As you may have guessed from the video - although there is no reason why you should - the film concerns a little girl (basically Pippi Longstocking) who is abandoned by her grandmother, her only guardian. As soon as Grandma leaves, a baby panda turns up along with his father. Pippi adopts the baby panda as her son, and the father Papa Panda adopts her as his daughter. It's like an animated biopic of Woody Allen, but with pandas.

The film is very funny, and has produced one of my favourite panda related gifs.

Pom Poko

Although I am an enormous fan of Hayao Miyazaki, I am not enchanted by all Studio Ghibli productions. One exception to this rule is Isao Takahata's Pom Poko.

The film concerns a group of tanuki (Japanese racoon dogs) who are famous in Japanese legend for being mischievous and magical shape-changing creatures. And for their enormous ballsacks.

The Swimming Pool Library

Here at FitCrit we can hardly watch a queer-themed film without sighing: "The gays sure do love to swim."

Once you release a video, I gotta make some gifs

Gaga's video for Telephone came out today. Naturally it is incredible - and in a post-modern mise-en-abime we have come to expect from Gaga, the video already anticipated all our reactions. Hit it, B.

It's actually so dense and allusive that we will probably be teasing it out for months. For example, this nod to Michael Jackson - coming hot on the heels of the hint last week that she might collaborate with David Bowie sometime in the future - is one of many references to film, fashion and capitalism; both earnest and ironic.

So expect a long, tedious and pretentious analysis in the near future. But for the moment, just make like this chef and dance...

(Bonus gifs after the jump.)

Fit Knit

Sometimes I wanna live inside these knitting pictures. They are so comforting and anodyne; not trying to sell you a body image or a lifestyle - apart from the undeniable fact that French people are chic and cool.

The way they describe things is also fun. They really like bell sleeves, and darn-tootin!

The set-in sleeves are delightfully bell-shaped. All in all, the prettiest tunic yet.

Applied smocking on bell sleeves is the outstanding feature of this eye-catching two-piece.

There's something poetic about them.

Mother, May I?

This rather wonderful Victorian novel - Robert Surtees' Ask Mamma, or The Richest Commoner in England - advertises itself thusly:

IT may be a recommendation to the lover of light literature to be told that the following story does not involve the complication of a plot. It is a mere continuous narrative of an almost every-day exaggeration, interspersed with sporting scenes and excellent illustrations by LEECH.

Every day exaggeration? With sporting scenes? And no plot? WHERE DO I SIGN

Vanitas Vanitatum

Snog, Marry, or Avoid may well be the cultural highlight of the decade, old or new. It has already given us the wondrous Scottish Barbie, and now it slouches towards Bethlehem to give birth to Clinton Earle.

YUSS U R!

WHO HAIR

It seems that the casting directors for Doctor Who have a little obsession with hair. One of the first things the last two doctors have said in the role was to enquire whether they had ginger hair, and Steven Moffat - the new lead writer of the show - is reported to speak of "the Hair" in terms of reverent awe.

 It seems twas ever thus. Paul McGann reports that "Matt [Smith] said that in the auditions they could not stop talking about his hair. They were telling him his hair was wonderful — that’s exactly what happened to me when I got the part."

Here at fitcrit, we're not exactly suggesting that actors should be cast based purely upon their hair. Well, I suppose that's exactly what we're saying. So here are all the Doctors, stripped bare to their essential hair. Feel free to insert your face anywhere you like, although remember to send us a copy.

A Footnote to Faust

"All art is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that." Woody Allen.¹