Thursday, 4 March 2010

Fit Knit

Sometimes I wanna live inside these knitting pictures. They are so comforting and anodyne; not trying to sell you a body image or a lifestyle - apart from the undeniable fact that French people are chic and cool.

The way they describe things is also fun. They really like bell sleeves, and darn-tootin!
The set-in sleeves are delightfully bell-shaped. All in all, the prettiest tunic yet.
Applied smocking on bell sleeves is the outstanding feature of this eye-catching two-piece.
There's something poetic about them.

While there are some notable exceptions...

(Everything in this picture is woven, including the seating and the hair.)

...most of the designs are not that bad. It's mainly the styling which is horrendously typical of the 70s, 80s and much of the 90s.

(Despite evidence to the contrary, there is some logic behind this. Unfortunately, that logic is Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan.)

Sometimes though, the problem is both the design and the styling:

(True, the Macauley Culkin look never helped nobody, but this is a knitted collar and tie, people. The pearls are even underneath the tie. It is revolting.)

Other times, it is the scenarios which are strikingly ridiculous.

("Hmm, I like the tank-top. But I also like the matching cardigan-jumper. But which is bettter? There's only way to find out!")

(The romance of the title can be none other than that between gay waiters and crochet.)

And that's not even to mention some of the poses...

Many  prominently feature the groin. If you aren't thrusting your crotch, you're just not modelling hard enough.

(On America's Next Top Model Tyra Banks tells you to smile with your eyes. Here, all you're gonna get is a half-hearted "smile with your groin.")

This model is featured very prominently, I think because he epitomises all the butch qualities of knitting. Here he is again, showcasing a few more masculine activities, such as teaching opera to Parker Posey, and how to pair a cravat with a silk shirt and bellbottoms.

The copy is equally terrible. Take this one, with its frank, bold and manly heading. It is, you understand, in no way homoerotic.
MEN know exactly what kind of knitted garment they want as far as length, ampleness and style are concerned.

Fixed it:

MEN know exactly what kind of knitted garment they want as far as length, ampleness and style are concerned.
This second one has a directness which is pleasing.
Men are always practical. For outdoor wear they have decided once and for all on the comfortable thick yarns.
It was either that or a light mohair, but then that wouldn't really be practical. And as has already been established, MEN ARE ALWAYS PRACTICAL.

Well, there you go! What have we learned? That knitting books are excellent, apart from the designs, the styling, the poses, the scenarios and the copy. But everything else is truly a delight!

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